Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
