apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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