Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
