Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Randomize
