I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Randomize
