Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
