who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
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