I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
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