Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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