Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
She swung at the pinata with crutches
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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