im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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