I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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