I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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