I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
We left the knife in your bed.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
