I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
