True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
