how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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