The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
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