Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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