if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
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