cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
