Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
