I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
If its not for food we ain't going out.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
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