I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
