you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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