Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
