My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
