The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Randomize
