She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
