dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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