I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Its about making memories worth repressing
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
