dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
