Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
