The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
soo... how was my night?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
