Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
