My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
