how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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