The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
