no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
