the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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