There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
