i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
