he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
