You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
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