My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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