Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
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