Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
