I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
