then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Tell her she can't have a vagina
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
