I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Randomize
