once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
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