i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I think a kid would responsible me up
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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